Beep, Scan, Back Again...

I sure haven't been doing a good blog job lately...sorry folks, sorry self! Life has been more than a roller coaster...No coasting going on here...it's wave, after wave, after wave. Some of these waves have left me waterlogged, gasping for air, wondering if I will ever see dry land again. Even still, I have had victorious Hallelujahs tucked away inside these waves that have kept my arms and legs strong enough to keep going. God really does have me covered! He let's me go out farther than I'd imagined I could and never let's go of me. Although it feels scary, it builds my trust in Him in deeper ways. For example, Jerry and I are teaching Jaeana to swim. Learning to swim is simply overcoming fear and becoming confident. Our methods are forceful yet loving...We push them (our kids) past where they think they can go, past what they think they can handle, but WE know their limits. We are met with screams of "No's" and flailing arms...haha...but in the end...we have made two swimmer boys and one soon to be swimmer girl. (FYI...my kids LOVE the water) Interestingly enough, that is how God is with us...He holds our hands, our underbellies, telling us we can do it, pushing us past where we ourselves think we can go, but like the Strong Mighty Protector and Gentle Loving Father He is, He sees and knows our limits better than we do. We feel a hand letting go and panic, however that hand is 2 inches away ready to grab hold of us, never actually leaving us. You see, we are clouded by our fears, as are my children before learning to swim. All reasoning seems to go out the window...they can't even be calmed by my voice or even trust me, all they see is FEAR. Oh fear is such an awful thing...but we are always faced with a choice....PUSH PAST IT or SUCCUMB TO IT! The very thing we are afraid of is the very thing we have already been doing within our own limits. I asked Jaeana what she was afraid of and she said, "Going under the water." Funny though, because she goes under the water on her own, swimming, kicking, holding her breath. Her limit is where her feet feel they can securely touch the ground. She will only swim in the deep end with a flotation device...funny how she trusts that, but not a more secure Mom or Dad's hand...the same can be said with us and God. On our terms we trust Him, that is until we can't feel our feet on the ground or have something we deem as a trustworthy flotation device...take those away and all of a sudden Daddy's (God's) arms aren't trustworthy enough.

With all God is showing me and doing with me and in me...I must say I feel like I have been stuck going through a metal detector like at the airport...you know how awful those things are...you have to take off your shoes, your accessories, empty your pockets, dump out some of your bags....Oh My! And don't have children or babies because then you will have to take out any baby food, baby medicines, baby drinks, even take off your own baby if you are wearing them in a sling carrier (yes even if they are asleep)...what a nightmare! You go through and then, BEEEEEEEP! Oh my gosh, what else is left to take off??? I am reminded though that this is "The Year Of Release" and in order to experience the promise of release, WE must first release. We must release FROM in order to release INTO! God is having us go through this "detector" that keeps beeping until all those things are off of us. Only then can we walk through with Clearance ready to catch a plane to the next level....OH YEAH BABY! I'll let you know what it's like once I get past this blasted detector...Hahahaha!

Whelp that's all for now folks! Until next time, this has been a blog from My Life Written...(hehe)

Overflowing...

Something in me remains so stirred. I cannot shake nor quench this fire that rises and this flame that grows within me. I called to God for it, I asked Him to grant me this, and here it is. The burden of it can be an overwhelming feeling, but amidst it, an unexplainable peace that flows in and around me keeping me. I feel the heaviness of what I carry, yet I am still able to carry it. I walk humbled by it, and also at times frustrated that I cannot control it or remove it when I feel I cannot bear it. Still, something in me wants it to grow more. I am unable to explain it in the depth of which I know it inside. I am unable to fully and wholly describe outwardly this inward working. "Like a Fire Shut Up In My Bones!" I scream out!!! Like a fire, like a fire, shut up in my bones! I am awakened to You Oh Lord, to Your spirit which abides in me. A melancholy-state is upon my countenance for I cannot put on the mask of falseness. I must struggle and push THROUGH what I feel, as if I am reaching inside a hot fire to grab the beautiful jeweled stone in the middle of it...you must see what I will pull out. This fire is burning me, but yet I am not burnt. This fire is consuming me, yet I stand still, filled with joy unspeakable and an everlasting and sustaining peace that permeates all darkness. YET, I battle the balance of up and down. How can I explain my heart, but to say that Lord, You have set me ablaze with the power of Your word, the beauty of Your presence surrounds me, Your glory encompasses about me like a shield that cannot be broken past. I know who I am in You for you have given me a knowing, even if I do not yet fully know or see, but I know because You have set me a part and called me Your own. I know because You have loved me and by Your love I am captivated. My life is confirmed in You. I know because You have spoken it to me in Your word, so lovely. You have given me life and You have set me upon a Rock that is my foundation. I know because You are I AM and I am because YOU ARE! In Jesus Name I pray thanks to You. Father, Thank You for ALL and EVERYTHING. Let my words and my actions be pleasing to You Father and let me remain covered in Your precious blood, spilled for me!

I love You God! I love You with ALL of my heart! Forever I am Yours and You are mine! In Jesus precious and mighty name, AMEN and So BE It!!!

~Christina Carroll~

Who Am I Really???...

Who am I really? It's the question evading my mind at the moment. I don't pose this question to myself from the perspective of one searching for their identity! I know who I am, in the sense of I have come to a place of confidence in who God has created me to be...in other words I am quite comfortable in my own skin. I have lived the majority of my life dictated by every whim of my insecurities. I lost myself to find the person everyone might want me to be. It was an ugly journey called being a teenager or even better put a journey called LIFE (it started before teenage years). On this journey one finds oneself. I was so handicapped by needing everyone to accept me and like me that I didn't even know who "me" was....ATTENTION ALL PEOPLE: I Found ME!!! Lol! Once I peeled back the many layers of insecurity and self-doubt, the portions of unsurety, mixed with fear, and sprinkled with co-dependency, all blended together so nicely in the Destroy-Me-Piece-By-Piece-O-Matic!!! Ha! But God found me, or rather I looked up to see Him, and He helped brush off the dirt from that awful ditch I was living in and cleansed me and made me shine! Just Like New! Yay! Hahah! I am chuckling both on the outside and inside at myself! 

I am posing this question to myself from the perspective of God knows me better than me. God knows every hair on my head, He is the One who fills me with every breath I take, He is the One who created me and holds my very life in His hands. So, when King David says (Psalms 139:23)"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:" who better to ask than God Himself. I am looking for God to take me on a journey along the pathway of my heart. I want Him to show me the pieces of me I have not even myself uncovered as He continues to prepare me to fulfill His will for my life according to His purposes. I have been given a mandate, a vision and mission to fulfill while here on this earth. As I have walked with Him, He has revealed more of His plan, more of Himself, and more of the me He created. If He sees me at the end, finished and complete, then He is the One to reveal how I get there. I don't just want to see more of myself, I want to see more of Him perfected in me or me perfected through Him. He is the filter and Mediator through which I need to see and be seen. I can no longer at things as though they are, but as though I know them not to be. I need to see them through His eyes not through my own. My eyes do not have a clear view or even the capacity to adjust to His view...there are no special glasses to put on...all I need do is but put on HIM and my vision becomes transformed into His will...See?!?!

So, who am I really? What are my motives, intentions, thoughts and plans? What is the true nature of my heart and of my character? There is so much more to me than anything YOU could gather at first glance. So many people look at me and see quiet or very often, stuck up. I am far from stuck-anything...I am passionate about everything I do, I love all those around me, I choose to see the good in people when others see the bad, I have flaws and imperfections like every other human, but I live to change myself so as to align with God, I can be funny and bold, or melancholy and to myself, I could be deep in thought or on a mission and you think I am ignoring you or rolling my eyes at you...(you can be anyone, this is generally speaking). In the past I would be overtaken by what I thought you were thinking of me. Not now! I am ok with the realization that not everyone will like me or accept me. I am finding so much joy in who God has made me to be. Not from a prideful place, but really learning to love myself. If you cannot learn to love the you, that you are and that you are, can, or will be come, then you can't love anyone or anything else. 

I am pondering......there are areas well traveled within my mind lately, well always but let's focus on the now...lol! God is opening me up to numerous avenues of who He is and who I am. I am not without Him, because He is I am, because He is the I AM. If my life does not filter through and line up with Him, I have not life...."nevertheless I live, yet not I but Christ who liveth in me...."

Psalm 139 King James Version 1O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me. 2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. 3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. 4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether. 5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me. 6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it. 7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? 8If I ascend up into heaven, thou  there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. 9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; 10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. 11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. 12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. 13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. 14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. 15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. 17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! 18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee. 19Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men. 20For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain. 21Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee? 22I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies. 23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: 24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.