DAY 1 of 21...

Fast Journal DAY 1:

Ok so today Jerry and I are starting our 21 Day Daniel’s Fast. This was sort of spontaneous in that I decided this last night and decided that TODAY would start us off. However, I can’t say that it is completely spontaneous because I have been feeling a “fast” coming on in my spirit. I just want to really hear God. I seem to be stuck in “The Season of the Unexplainable Happenings”. I keep finding myself on this loop repeat of emotional highs and lows, ridiculous circumstances, and just feeling stuck in a funk. I want to escape! I want to be free! I want to get back in line completely and not be walking on any edges, ledges, or outer boundaries.

Some of the weird “unexplainable happenings” are *breathing problems/anxiety pains* *random rash outbreaks* *sickness* *weight management issues* *battling the depression wheel* just to name a few of them. Let me explain them one by one.

First, the *breathing problems/anxiety pains*:

Never in my life have I experienced anxiety pains with breathing difficulties until last year. The transitions on this super speedy ministry fast track have been some of the most exciting, growing, stretching, and learning rides I have ever been on. I have gone from just attending church and being involved in some ministries to becoming Worship Leader, Youth Pastor, Journalist, and Coffee Café Owner all in this short year. I first noticed the evidence of the anxiety pains when we were asked to be Youth Pastors. I know it had to do with the fear of the unknown, the un-surety of my life’s purpose and calling, fear of failure…just many things boiling back down to FEAR! I knew it was something I had to walk out, but no matter what I tried I could not control or stop the pains. I felt as if I could not breathe. Like my chest was tight and there was not enough air for me to breathe in. Like when you need to take a deep breath. I tired and I couldn’t get all the breath. It’s weird to explain and at first I did not realize that was what was happening. I thought I was suffering from some form of heart attack or sickness of my heart or lungs or something weird. It was awful! The constant struggle to get air was causing bruising around my chest and neck area. That made me panic more I think. During this time I was finishing the 4^th out of the 5 Levels of the Armour Bearers Discipleship Program I was in. This particular level was about Spiritual Warfare and Spiritual Gifts. Let me say, I experienced some dang “warfare” alright. I battled depression hard. I have been depressed before (that is another story) and I will NEVER be again, but that doesn’t mean I won’t battle it. Depression is a choice. You choose not to accept negative thoughts as yours “casting down all vain imaginations”. When you accept 1 thought of negativity even if it seems justifiable, you open the door to a spiral chain of negative thoughts that will suck you into the black pit of despair and even deeper into the abyss of death. The deeper you go down the harder to near impossible it becomes to get back to the surface. You get so far that often the result is suicide or complete mental breakdown. Boo…I have been pretty far in that hole and rational thoughts do not exist there! Sooooo….away I stay!!!! No matter how much of a struggle I have to put up, I will not be taken down. Ok let me get back on track with my point…so I have been off and on experiencing these same breathing difficulty and anxiety pains ever since then. When I jump over a fear hurdle they seem to dissipate but it is seeming to become more uncontrollable now. I can’t really pinpoint the cause of the anxiety in the first place which is disturbing and frustrating. I know I am battling feeling overtaken by the overwhelming chaos that surrounds me. I know that God is bigger than all of it. I know I must look to Him, lean on Him, press into His presence, all of that, but still I battle. Just because you KNOW what to do doesn’t make it easier to do it. It’s not that going to God is hard, it’s just continuing to walk in peace and joy and rest while in the midst of chaos. The life circumstances don’t stop getting crazy! It’s how you perceive it that is the difference between losing your mind and having that peace that God promises. Again sounds easier than it can feel like. Our mind gets in the way, our dang thoughts that seem endless, our need to analyze and figure out, and our need for control especially when feeling out of control. It all gets in the way!

So then I have been battling my body with *random rash outbreaks*:

I have never in my life experienced a continual cycle of rash outbreaks as often as I have been in this year. Now I have very sensitive skin and stupid things can break me out in hives or some annoying rash, and to make matters worse my stubborn skin can be thrown way off in response to any treatments, meaning get worse! Yikes and Aaahhhhh! I have had 3 armpit rashes and most recently a neck/face/ears rash in the past few months….WHYYYYY MEEEEE!!!?????!!!!????!!!! I feel so under attack and I am left questioning everything in my life. Lord, have I done something wrong? What am I not seeing or not doing? What can I change? Am I so out of order and please tell me and show me where. Help God, Help God, Help! Am I under attack from the enemy or did I bring this on myself? I know You are the Lord God my healer and that by Your stripes and Your blood I am healed but I am stuck getting worse and worse, with no insurance or money to pay out of pocket and no relief and feeling like Job in the bible.

Then *sickness*:

Whether it’s me or my kids or Jerry, stupid sickness keeps lurking around and takes us down. I don’t have time to be down already being a mom but I am in many ministries and being down is NOT an option. I have to lead worship in the main services for 2 morning services and 1 evening service every Sunday. I have to lead the entire Worship Service and be co-Youth Pastor every Friday. I have 2 practices on Wednesday evenings with the main worship team and then teaching parts and songs to my Youth Band and Worship Team. I also have to run and manage my Coffee Café every Sunday, before, in-between, and after services every Sunday (I do have help with that though) and then the mom stuff of getting up early and getting all 3 kids off to school, homework craziness with all 3, taking  care of the house with cleaning and cooking and laundry and on and on…and then there is the squeeze of maybe some me and Jerry time and maybe me time…those find their way to the bottom of the list lots of times. I need a vacation but money is soooo tight right now. There is no paycheck coming in for any of these things I do, which is fine, I do them because I am called to and I desire to, but money does help live in this life…haha!

Then *weight*:

I am limited on what I am able to eat, dairy is completely out, aside from eggs, but I mean is that really dairy? I have been cutting out flour too because it can bother me a bit too, not sure if it’s the gluten or the yeast but when I don’t eat it or try to stay away as much as possible, I feel so much better. I am the smallest I have been since I was a young teenager and I love it. I am body conscious and have in my young life battled eating disorder tendencies. For me, feeling fat is more being out of shape, loose skinned, and jiggly. I don’t care what you think or say I have standards for myself and they don’t have to match up with yours. I don’t work out and I really need to and I have been able to get by mostly on diet changes, but as I get older my body is peaking at that and saying it’s no longer enough. You would think that the lack of flour and dairy in my diet would be enough. I don’t drink soda or have many things high in sodium (drink wise). I mainly stick to water, unsweetened iced tea, and coffee or lattes with soy. I have off and on overdone my chocolate cravings (candy chocolate). I stay away from my cookies (my weakness) with the flour and all. Anyways, I had been staying in this particular weight bracket that I was very happy with and then I will overindulge on junk and gain weight and then I will stop eating it and go back down. I have a limit, when I hit it or come close I make changes….it’s a cycle I have been accustomed to and ok with for years. The weight limit bracket has been the only change in that cycle over the years. When I set a new bar of low I must make the necessary eating changes to keep it there. I do eat people…I love food! I have been forced to give up loves but the outcome wasn’t worth it so feeling better wins. With the no flour I haven’t been able to get my weight down to the bottom of my limit and it’s really frustrating me. I don’t understand why when in the past it what I do has always worked. It’s like my body is refusing to do what I want…creating another area of UNCONTROL…I don’t like being out of control in so many areas.

All this out of control in my life is creating this *battle of NOT being depressed*:

I am spiritually sensitive to the emotions of others and I am called into Intercession by the Holy Spirit often. It’s easy to confuse this for my own depression which is part of the cause for the battle. Between that and feeling like I just need to escape and breathe for a minute from everything I battle. What will escape do really?  I have to come back to it, it doesn’t go away! It’s a battle because all of the above areas are all happening AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME!!!! I mean come on, can I catch a break from those things at least a little? The key for me is existing in the midst of it still maintain, operating, and walking in GOD’s Peace, Joy, Stillness, Calmness, Comfort, and Strength. The more that is put on me, the harder and more challenging it becomes to keep my focus on Jesus and not everything else. It’s like you are holding something very still so it won’t fall and you have a very intense itch and there are kids screaming and yelling all around you all at the same time…very chaotic, very intense, very difficult to ignore. I would like to just itch the dang itch and yell out “shut up!” but if I do everything will fall apart! This is my life! There are times in my focus on Jesus where it seems like none of these chaotic things are happening and everything is quiet and peaceful but then it’s like something wakes me up and I remember what’s happening. It’s slow, a thing coming to mind and awareness at a time until it’s all happening at once and all the walls are caving in on me and I am about to be crushed by my life….JESUS WHERE ARE YOU? I know He is there but once I have taken even one of my eyeballs just a smidgen off of Him, it’s so hard to find Him again. He is still there but now my eyes are darting to and fro to find Him in my scope again.

AND TO BRING IT ALL HOME…..This is why I feel that I need to fast. I need to hear God more than I am. I cannot live like this anymore. I need strength and I will only find that in HIM! If I can just pop open my can of Jesus Spinach and grow instant Popeye muscles I can do this life thing! I won’t worry about how we will buy groceries, pay our bills, get a new tire for our truck, and survive all the other crazy things my life wants to throw my way. I know I can do this with God’s help. I know I can walk in victory and walk out my purpose and calling. I have so much Kingdom Work to do and I need to bounce back faster when chaos comes in to throw me off track. There is no time for “off track”…I got work to do before Jesus returns. I must finish it! His Will Be Done!!!

Ok God, it’s YOU, ME, and JERRY! Let’s do this!!!!