Who am I really? It's the question evading my mind at the moment. I don't pose this question to myself from the perspective of one searching for their identity! I know who I am, in the sense of I have come to a place of confidence in who God has created me to be...in other words I am quite comfortable in my own skin. I have lived the majority of my life dictated by every whim of my insecurities. I lost myself to find the person everyone might want me to be. It was an ugly journey called being a teenager or even better put a journey called LIFE (it started before teenage years). On this journey one finds oneself. I was so handicapped by needing everyone to accept me and like me that I didn't even know who "me" was....ATTENTION ALL PEOPLE: I Found ME!!! Lol! Once I peeled back the many layers of insecurity and self-doubt, the portions of unsurety, mixed with fear, and sprinkled with co-dependency, all blended together so nicely in the Destroy-Me-Piece-By-Piece-O-Matic!!! Ha! But God found me, or rather I looked up to see Him, and He helped brush off the dirt from that awful ditch I was living in and cleansed me and made me shine! Just Like New! Yay! Hahah! I am chuckling both on the outside and inside at myself!
I am posing this question to myself from the perspective of God knows me better than me. God knows every hair on my head, He is the One who fills me with every breath I take, He is the One who created me and holds my very life in His hands. So, when King David says (Psalms 139:23)"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:" who better to ask than God Himself. I am looking for God to take me on a journey along the pathway of my heart. I want Him to show me the pieces of me I have not even myself uncovered as He continues to prepare me to fulfill His will for my life according to His purposes. I have been given a mandate, a vision and mission to fulfill while here on this earth. As I have walked with Him, He has revealed more of His plan, more of Himself, and more of the me He created. If He sees me at the end, finished and complete, then He is the One to reveal how I get there. I don't just want to see more of myself, I want to see more of Him perfected in me or me perfected through Him. He is the filter and Mediator through which I need to see and be seen. I can no longer at things as though they are, but as though I know them not to be. I need to see them through His eyes not through my own. My eyes do not have a clear view or even the capacity to adjust to His view...there are no special glasses to put on...all I need do is but put on HIM and my vision becomes transformed into His will...See?!?!
So, who am I really? What are my motives, intentions, thoughts and plans? What is the true nature of my heart and of my character? There is so much more to me than anything YOU could gather at first glance. So many people look at me and see quiet or very often, stuck up. I am far from stuck-anything...I am passionate about everything I do, I love all those around me, I choose to see the good in people when others see the bad, I have flaws and imperfections like every other human, but I live to change myself so as to align with God, I can be funny and bold, or melancholy and to myself, I could be deep in thought or on a mission and you think I am ignoring you or rolling my eyes at you...(you can be anyone, this is generally speaking). In the past I would be overtaken by what I thought you were thinking of me. Not now! I am ok with the realization that not everyone will like me or accept me. I am finding so much joy in who God has made me to be. Not from a prideful place, but really learning to love myself. If you cannot learn to love the you, that you are and that you are, can, or will be come, then you can't love anyone or anything else.
I am pondering......there are areas well traveled within my mind lately, well always but let's focus on the now...lol! God is opening me up to numerous avenues of who He is and who I am. I am not without Him, because He is I am, because He is the I AM. If my life does not filter through and line up with Him, I have not life...."nevertheless I live, yet not I but Christ who liveth in me...."
1O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me. 2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. 3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. 4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether. 5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me. 6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it. 7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? 8If I ascend up into heaven, thou there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. 9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; 10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. 11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. 12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. 13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. 14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. 15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. 17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! 18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee. 19Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men. 20For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain. 21Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee? 22I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies. 23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: 24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. |
Thanks for the invite...
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