Jaeana and Gianna...a destined duo AND Yesterday's a thing of the Past!

Jaeana and Gianna...a duo destined to be friends. Matching names, both super cuties, same class...friends? I think yes! Lol! When we first went to the "Meet the Teacher" night and found out that Jaeana had a classmate with the same name that hers is often confused with, I must admit, I had a feeling that they would become friends. It took a week and a half for her to "make friends" and tell me their names. I challenged her to introduce herself and ask for names and then tell me. She came home one day last week gleaming with excitement. She had not only made 1 new friend, but 2 new friends, Gianna and Amilee. However, the "new friend" excitement did not propel her to play with them in the morning. The same morning mantra of swing until the bell rings is pretty set in stone. I mean why enjoy the company of others in such a large playground when you can swing! Ha ha!


Can everyone say "BUT TODAY"...Today, as she races her brother to the lines, she runs into Gianna and they stop and hug each other. Oh man was this not the cutest thing! She then looks over at me and says, "Look Mom, it's my friend Gianna!" Ah, another proud mommy moment. It melts my heart as I see her joining the regular school society of kiddos...fitting in more and more each day and passing week. I watched happily as the duo ran off to the swings...of course! (In reality, friend or not, Jaeana is hardcore about the swings) At first there was only one swing and they stood confounded as to what should be done next, but to their furthered excitement the swing next to theirs opens up and Jaeana moves over and they both hop on. Swing, swing, swinging away...Jaeana shouts out to me, "Mom I'm swinging with my friend Gianna!" Dare I say again that I was enjoying more than my fair share of happy mommy moments! :) 


The morning continued in happiness after the bell rang, and folks, I'm happy to say that we had smiles all the way to class!!! Yaaaaahooooooo! No tears, no melt downs, no sad frowns, just kisses and smiles and happy waves....Oh Lord please let us continue in this!!!! :)


So, as for me, I sit here on the couch, tired, wanting to sleep, needing to work today, and feeling pretty happy with a sprinkle of grouchiness (purely from my tiredness) and just ready for what today brings. This is a much better day than how yesterday felt. I was fighting to stay afloat yesterday...it seems as though every time things begin crumbling, everything crumbles at once. The press was felt strong yesterday! It pushes me to question myself. Am I doing something wrong God? What do I need to see? What do I need to change? I know I am not perfect and I know I need to pray more and really seek You more and get into my word more, but I have been faithful and yet things are not changing. The decline is, well, declining! Lol! I begin to focus on all my shortcomings, searching for the areas I can change to see results. That's it right there though! I get to that point of trying to "DO" something to "CHANGE" my circumstances. It's the need to grasp control when things feel out of control. Sometimes there is actually something to do...most times the doing is simply TRUSTING IN GOD, LEANING ON GOD, SEEKING GOD, PRAYING, READING THE WORD, WORSHIP, just being with HIM! I fail to just let Him work it all out. I fail to keep my eyes, my focus on Him. I look directly at my circumstance and panic, then try to not panic, then try to rationalize anything in my mind, then try not to feel like I'm crumbling, then keep moving forward, then..............it's a vicious cycle one can and does easily get sucked into like the pull of a strong vacuum hose. I TRY so hard not to lose it that I drive myself to lose it....maybe I should be looking at my own "melt downs" and not Jaeana's...Lord were You trying to show me something...ha ha! 


I have realized something...when I begin to feel out of control, I think about how I need to press in more, but I don't actually do it. I am not sure if I am still operating in fear, be it frozen, unable to move, or not wanting to be let down by the possibility of things NOT changing. I fight against fear so often that I don't see when I have again claimed it as mine to walk in. BOO! Boo on fear and doubt and shame and flesh! BUT!!!! When I do finally realize and see, and see HIM, Abba, God...everything else finally fades away. Not because the circumstances have changed, but because I am no longer looking at them, they are no longer my focus, they fade away as the image of my Father comes in clearer and I am consumed by the realization and revelation of His unfailing love for me. I'm wrapped into His arms and no more am I screaming to escape reality and get away, trapped by the very circumstances that have me feeling this way in the first place. I'm wrapped safely, gently, lovingly in His arms, the arms of My Master, My Saviour, Jesus...comforted by His touch. Everything else around me seems so insignificant in comparison to the vastness of His presence. Ahhhhhh


Let's move past the place of KNOWING what to do and start just GOING TO HIM!!!!! If I cannot move and operate in trust and do in that trust than who cares what I know!!!!! My knowing will take me nowhere if it is not met with active trust. Trust without action is not true belief or faith, but merely a hope that can easily be blown away into the dust! 


Father, I sing SURRENDER, I speak SURRENDER, I pray SURRENDER but I have failed to FULLY SURRENDER. Continue to show me the areas that I have not yet completely surrendered to You. I give myself to You. I place all my hope, my trust, my dreams, my plans, my thoughts, my fears, everything I am into Your hands. I TRUST YOU GOD!!! I know that You will not fail me, I push aside any doubt that I will be failed. I push aside any thought that would try to come in and hinder my trust in You. I ACTIVATE my faith in YOU. I ACTIVATE my trust in YOU. I publicly proclaim and declare that You and You alone are God and through You ALL things are possible. Through You all chains are broken, all past dismissed, all barriers removed, all enemies trampled on, all darkness flees, all attacks and plans against me destroyed, all anger and fear cast away...It's YOU oh God that my heart so desires....forgive me for not seeing You....I SEE YOU NOW GOD!!! I SEE YOU WITH MY HEART! I do not need to see with my eyes to Trust You. I will WALK, WALK, WALK in the Know!!!!


Thank You God for giving me another chance to see You, to get it right, to come unto You! Thank You for being the God of another chance. I will not take You for granted but operate in You now!! 


I love You Lord, with all of me, I LOVE YOU!!!!!


Have a fabulous day friends, I hope you were blessed by this! :)

The Realization of AGE...

AGE.....

         Is it just a number or does it define your life? Are you categorized by what number in line you are or is life measure only by experiences? Age. We all are one. We all have one. It is constantly increasing in size. unasked by anyone. Without permission it stretches for the max limit. With it comes, well, side effects. I believe Age to be working hand in hand with Gravity. They have been in kahoots for some time now. Age can be sneaky. It often creeps in and before you even realize it, an extra 10 years has been added! Age....hmmmm!

         Today I stepped into the vanity/sink area of my bathroom to routinely wash my face and get ready for the next Carroll Clan Adventure. To my horrific disbelief, as I took the scrunchy out of my hair, I noticed something. This something was very unsettling and even now as I type I am quite unsure of how to fully react or respond. When I looked....I found.....a hair!!!!! AHHH! Oh but not just any hair! No, not even a gray or white hair. What I found was a MULTICOLORED HAIR! What the heck is a multi-colored hair you ask? I DON'T KNOW!!! But I need answers! This hair stems from the root, is thicker in texture, much like what happens when gray/white hairs come in. The color change is only about 2inches from root to end and the rest of the hair is normal. The hair has gold like sparkle to it with bits of red and probably a little white. I really don't know and I do not believe I have seen anything like before, although I will have to now ask my mother, whose gorgeous, natural, colors have been shining beautiful for the past couple years. Her hair is also multicolored I guess, not quite gray/white, but blondes and browns mixed in. I think it is beautiful and if my hair is beginning the "CHANGE" before I have even hit my 28th birthday, then I can only hope that it can be as beautiful as hers.

         Now I know I could dye it whatever color I want, and I have dabbled in colors in the past, but it has been many years. I don't feel the need to jump and dye my hair right now because of ONE ODD HAIR, I am just shocked that I am here, in this place, now! How did I get here? Why am I getting so old so fast? Where is the time going? Is there some Time Sucking Machine at work here?

         With all the high emotions and extra melancholy days, plus this rash on my face that I am trying to deal with, this ONE HAIR, could not have come at a worse time. Sometimes I think to myself, "Really God, really? As if You haven't already overloaded my plate enough...I think You are wrong about my "HANDLING LIMIT" maybe we should sit down and re-crunch these numbers..." HAHAHA! It's ok to laugh people. Everyone has thoughts like this at some time or another. Now don't get me wrong, I am only be facetious when I say this. I know God knows me, better than I know me. He knows what I can handle better than I know. His love for me is as a soft covering of a thick, warm blanket, on a cool fall/winter night. It protects me, but also helps me to grow. It pushes places in me that I am too scared to push on my own and it carries me to the next place, strengthening my step. I know that regardless of what I must face in order to fulfill my destiny and purpose, that everything will be ok. Everything will always be ok because I have HIM!!! My Abba Daddy, My Lord and Saviour, My Great I AM, My Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, Mighty God...My ALL! These mere moments that so many of us take for granted or over concern ourselves with are all temporary. Those of us who choose God, His ways, His Life, His Love, we shall live together in eternity with sitting in the high places of heaven with Him. If Jesus could live in this place, being more criticized, ridiculed, tortured, disgraced, spat on, belittled, disrespected, and unloved than any of us could ever imagine than what are these things in comparison? They are nothing. Everyone has a different story. It doesn't matter what YOU think it looks like, it's what it was for them. Our stories make us who we are. They are the deciding denominator in our "make or break" life. Will it break us, crumble us, and destroy us, or will it make and mold us into the person we were meant to be?

         

         So, as for me and my hair....we will journey on together, finding more hairs, seeing more years blink by, until out time has come to an end and we are no more. The realization of Age...or the realization of Life? Either way, it's beyond our control so we might as well go with the flow right?!?! :)

Have a great Weekend everyone!!!

Loves and Hugs,

Christina

Simply Intertwined - Intertwined Simply

Today I am filled with a myriad of emotions, thoughts, and feelings. In one moment I feel like crying, about what...I don't know! In the next moment I feel like singing and rejoicing. The next I feel like running off to a beach or mountain just to be with God alone and away from anything regular. Then I feel bad for wanting to leave and that I should tough it up and get with God right where I am at. None of these things are wrong or bad...it's a Melancholy kind of day I guess. Maybe tapping into the pool of emotion in the spiritual, physical, and mental aspects. Here is a good picture of how they are all intertwined and connected and all attached to me:

It's the Spiritual, Emotional, Mental, and Physical aspects that make up ME. When one of them is off, they are all off. When one of them is feeling weak, they are all weak. When one of them is strong, they are all strong. When I am feeling extra Melancholy I begin to drift up the rope of one aspect and find myself swimming in the pool of EVERYTHING. In this pool I can easily jump from laughing super hard to crying super hard all in the same breath and not on purpose. It's like I am a floating bubble in the sea of chaos and whatever I bump into that is what I take on. It's times like these where I must begin to intercede and let the Spirit be the strongest of them all. In these times, the Holy Spirit is calling me to intercession. In these times, God's Spirit flows and things are birthed in the spiritual realm. Songs come forth, prophecy pours out, miracles take place, deliverance happens, revelation hits, Love floods in.....ahhhh! It can be so amazing IF, and that is a strong IF, I press in to the Spirit. If I allow myself to be overtaken by these things, these emotions, and thoughts, and feelings, I may find my self in a sad pit of depression. 


It all boils down to choice. I choose to align my thoughts with God. I choose to say no to negative thoughts, "casting down imaginations", I choose God and not Self! I choose GOD not my Flesh!!!


2Corinthians 10:3-6 "For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: 4(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds;) 5Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; 6And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled."


In this war inside my mind, inside my emotions...I must find God, for God dwelleth in me. 1Corinthians 3:16 "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?" I must push past all flesh, all things not like Him and press into His presence. Because in His presence is where I will find the "peace that passeth all understanding", Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." It's where I will find the "joy unspeakable", 1Peter 1:8 "Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:" 


I want more of God's presence and I will not let anything hold me back from Him. I will prosper and be victorious through Him that ALL MAY SEE AND KNOW THAT HE, AND HE ALONE IS GOD!!!!




I started off writing this blog feeling one way (or many ways, lol) and now my spirit is stirred and I am ready to take on the day. I'm telling you, there is nothing like the LORD! Choose Him today in ALL that you do and watch what happens! 


Loves & Hugs ALL!

Playground or WARground?

The day began and Camron, Jae, and I braved the school once again. We fumbled to get out of the house and continue our early routine, but we made it, got a great open parking spot, and beat the crazy car chaos that begins to form the later it gets. Today was proving to be a much better, much less emotional day as Jaeana and Camron raced to the Playground with big cheesy smiles. I admit I had a grin of my own hoping that we were on the path to "we got this school thing!" YES! 

First thing Jaeana proudly did was run to her line and place her backpack and lunch box down. This was it...off to the playground. She ran excitedly towards the swing area where there were 4 open swings. The other kids must have either had the same great idea at the same moment or saw her and remembered they wanted to swing. Boooooo! So standing back I waited and watched for today's response. Ok, ok, she was handling it well. She stood and stared at the boy who obviously saw her coming and waited for him to move, but of course he didn't. He stared back at her waiting for her to move out of his swing path, but of course she wasn't budging either. Thus the War begins...

Jaeana finally gave in, decided to keep her smile and a swing opened up for her. (It's amazing how when you choose to look past that which is in front of you, and put a smile on your face, things open up!) She was swinging happily working up her speed and height when this girl walks over to the side of her and begins saying something. I couldn't hear or make it out and I was hoping she wasn't telling her to move. Ah she was telling her to move and Jaeana sweetly gets off and then stands there realizing she got jipped. The girl had been pushing her friends on the swings next to the one Jae was on. I guess she decided she had the swing before so that meant Jaeana should get off. Jae isn't yet accustomed to the ways of school kids yet. She isn't a ruthless, rude kid, trying to steal swings from happy children. She is patient, and sweet. Still she kept a smile on her face and before she knew it another 2 swings opened up for her. (God is the God of the double blessings) She had a choice of which swing she wanted and she took a little time to decide. I caught a glimpse of her small grin, as she was realizing this staying happy thing was working for her. I told her she had X amount of minutes before the bell rang and asked her what she was supposed to do next. She happily answered, "get off and go to my line." My big girl, now you are getting it! She enjoyed all of her swinging time and kept this cute smile on her face, waving to me here and there and smiling bigger at me so I would know she was proud of her swinging accomplishments for the day. 

As I waited, I looked around the entire playground. People are so interesting. Kids are, well they are crazy, but cute, some of them. Lol! I watched as the girls were doing gymnastics moves on the standing bars (I don't know what they are called). You had the boys havin' it out on the basketball courts (which Camron was well engulfed in). Then there were the kids imaginatively playing around the ball-less tether ball poles. I don't know what they were doing, but they seemed to be having fun. I kept glancing back at Jae and she still had her smile. The bell rang. I looked at her waiting to see if she heard it and remembered what to do. It took her a moment, but then she realized what was going on and slowed down her swinging and hopped off the swing, proudly running to the line. She was doing it all on her own. I was a proud, very happy Mommy today! I gave her a kiss, told her to have a great day, and watched her walk away into the building. The jungle of kids had died down. Everyone was neatly in place. No more swing stealing kids, no more crying kids, no more booty shorts wearing moms, no more balls bouncing, kids snatching, screams, yells, loudness. The day was beginning. School was starting. The WAR, for now, was on hold until the next battle of the grounds...on the "PLAYGROUND". 

It's Getting Personal...

Today was a very interesting day. It all started when...

Actually let me back track to my night before. I had the privilege of having a REUNION HANG...My sister's friends (like family) Michelle and Rachel, both of who have been out of town the past couple to a few years, were all in town at the same time. So Me, my Mom, my Sis, Rach, and Michelle went to have dinner at Pita Jungle and catch up. I must say I so enjoyed myself! It was like "old times" but so much better. We laughed, we laughed some more, we tasted some kind of Asian Hot Sauce stuff, we laughed more, we had a Bike Adventure (which was totally random and unforgettable - my sis was riding her bike from a class to down the street at the restaurant. We tried to fit it in the trunk on the way home but it wouldn't fit so we followed her. She lives near campus which is near Pita Jungle. Then randomly we decided to take turns riding down the streets of downtown Tempe...hehe...weird...maybe! So Rachel gets on first or second I guess and she is off...I mean she was fast. Then it was my turn...ok I had to do the whole pull up the pants so my crack wouldn't show while riding thing...ha! I'm off trying to be all super fast like Rach but knowing I'm so out of shape...I am going super fast when I get to the end of the sidewalk crossing a driveway and on to the next...well the dang sidewalk was badly bowed upward and I started to panic thinking I can't just fly off this curb I will fall.  I instinctively grabbed for the brakes on the handle bars only to remember the brakes were when you back peddle...I was yelling and freaking out somewhat embarrassed hoping no one was watching or hearing me.  The breaks felt like they weren't working so I put my feet down and all they did was slide along the street doing absolutely nothing! I just knew I was gonna hit that thing and fly into the street but I slowed down enough and got over it. Then I am peddling fast trying to catch back up and be fast again when I hear something fall. I look back and I'm like dang it I dropped her lock. I looked at the bike and the lock was there so I thought it must have been another piece to it. URGGGH! I so didn't want to stop and turn around but if it was important I had to. When I got over there it was a piece of old nasty sandwich or something stuck to the sidewalk...BOOOOOOOO! So at this point I'm riding this bike on the streets of downtown Tempe alone...well I felt like that! They were up the way pulled into the parking lot just in front of the apartments my sis lives in waiting for me. Then it was Michelle's turn and then my Mom hopped out of the car AS THE DRIVER and rode fast through the apartments to Jessica's door. Wow! Good times. There were other laughing fun moments too! I came home and watched some of the 30 Rock DVDs with Jerry and then C---AAA---RASSSSSHED! I was pooped! It was my 12:30am bedtime though so it was good.)

So back to my original story of today...

I woke up at 5:00am this morning and I was debating staying awake or falling back asleep for another hour-ish. I chose the latter and got up, got Cam and Jae ready and drove them to school. We left earlier than we had been leaving so we could get a decent parking spot as well as let Jae get comfortable with the whole "play on the playground then find your line when the bell rings morning routine". Can we say: EMOTIONAL DAY!!!! Geesh! We get to her line to put her backpack in place and she looked at me like I was crazy for even asking her to do such a thing. After she saw someone else in her class do it she was ok and off we went to play on the swings. All the swings were taken so I got her to show me her slide-work...she wanted to do the monkey bars first. I stood and watched. Under the monkey bars was a high ledge and for some reason she was having a hard time getting up and kept slipping...she looked over at me like "how is this happening and why wasn't I over there helping". The mommy in me wanted to go over and help her so as to keep her from a potential scrape...but I stayed my station...feet planted firm! She finally got over it after the 3rd try and proceeded on to the monkey bars. After realizing the ground was too far away she changed her mind. She was about to go down the slide when she saw a swing open and went running for it. She would swing forever if we let her. Haha! Camron strolled over from what seemed out of nowhere and so brotherly and gently tried to help solve her problems. I had been lecturing him about stepping up to the big brother role as Cedric had done for him before. I mean really how could I ask this of him when he was trying to work out his 2nd grade manliness...lol! But there he was, all on his own coming to her rescue. She was mad and a bit shut down so he didn't get very far with her. He looked around for me to see if I had left her there, all the while I was slowly stepping back closer towards the edge of the playground out of the sand, really wanting her to figure this out without me. The mommy in me was conflicted between wanting to make it all better and pushing her to grow up. Ahhh why was this happening! Camron stuck around with her talking to the other "younger and smaller" kids around him. He made a couple attempts at open swings and finally he saw someone jump off a swing and he ran full speed to save it for his sister. She was so pleased and hopped right on He gave her a little head start push and swinging away she went. As she was just getting higher, with Big Smiles, the bell rang. Kids went running to their lines while she looked at everyone, but she was too excited about the swinging height she was making after waiting so long. I was motioning for her to get off and come, but she thought I meant swing higher. I yelled out her name to get in line and she was crushed. She had waited her whole life for this swing and was just at the good part...why!!!!! Lol! One of the teachers was calling to all of the kids that were trying to squeeze last seconds out of the playground. She was devastated and barely would walk to the line to get her backpack. I had to push her forward several times to keep moving. Once she got her backpack on and was in line I mentioned how cool it was that she was in the front (4people behind) and not the back. I was trying to cheer her up and get her mind off the swings. This is when the MELTDOWN began. She said she wasn't in the front the other kid was and started crying, big droplets of tears falling down her cheeks....WHAAAAAAAAT? Where did that come from. I tried to talk with her and keep her from balling her eyes out, but no such luck. I stepped out of line and let her stand there figuring out what to do....I was feeling heart broken and irritated that this was occurring. Was she not ready for Kindergarten? I mean other kids do the emotional thing also, but not my Jae, she has been so excited about school. I had to let her go...I tired giving her a kiss and she was just shut down...dragging behind she walked in line following her teacher to the class, tears still quietly rolling down her cheeks. 

Man what a morning! I knew in my heart she would be fine and I had to be strong and stand my ground and not baby her. She was totally fine!!!! Had a great day!

I on the other hand came home and shared my eventful morning with Jerry and then I laid in bed willing myself to get up and get ready...Cedg doesn't leave until about a half hour or so after I get home from dropping off Cam and Jae. I was barking off the rest of his "to do" orders before he went on his way and then he was out! Jerry went to get ready and I.....haha....fell asleep, totally by accident of course! He left to work and I stayed home....my first time home alone since the kids started school. Weird! I got such great rest and I guess my body needed it...but when I did get up I was all alone...and feeling emotional myself! Booo! The last half of the day took FOREVER ...it was awful! I told Jerry I would much rather be sleepy and be with him all day then sleep at home....

FUNNY THING: I actually had other thoughts in mind which went with the title of this blog, so if you haven't become bored with my stories yet...here is the story behind "IT'S GETTING PERSONAL"...

This is very personal but I think someone needs to hear it or read it. 

Have you ever felt vulnerable? I would think it's a Yes for everyone to feel vulnerable in some way at some point in time. What about those of you who are married? Have you ever felt vulnerable with your spouse? I'm not just talking about when you first marry, but at any length of time, even after 5, 10, 15 years. Have there been times where you have felt vulnerable during times of intimacy, like cuddling, talking, or even sex? I know this is very personal...aren't you glad it's me writing and not you answering? Hahaha! Well what about while changing your clothes...have you ever thought about your body in a negative way and although your spouse has seen you naked a bajillion times you feel awkward like you are ashamed of your body. You know, feeling self-conscious that you don't meet your own expectations and so you don't meet theirs either? This is just one example of vulnerability. 

I ask because when we are like that, to protect ourselves, we instinctively and naturally put up a WALL...an 'emotional wall' if you will. A wall that guards you from getting hurt or feeling as uncomfortable. Has that wall ever been in the way? If a wall is up, if your guard is up, how can you let someone come in? You are keeping them from a part of you. It's not our intention as married people to "keep ourselves" from our spouse, that is why we got married. We entered into that relationship to "give ourselves away" to that person for ever. Our LOVE for them was so great and our Love compelled us to be theirs and them ours. Well how can we TRULY "give ourselves" all the way away of we have up walls guarding some parts? 

Our horizontal relationships are an indication of our vertical one...with God. So naturally, well natural for me, I looked at the comparison here. Was I putting up walls with my Abba Daddy and not letting Him in all areas, not giving absolutely ALL of myself to Him. What parts was I keeping from Him and why? Why would I keep something from the one I love? That question goes both ways, with both relationships I mean. Why was I afraid to be completely 100% vulnerable with the one I love? Why did I feel I needed to "guard" myself from the one I trusted most of all in life, the one I cared for most of all, the one who I would give my life for and would and did give their life for me? That bothered me greatly and I began to talk to my Father in heaven and ask Him to help me not be like this. My desire is for Him, my desire is to Love Him more and more as I get to know more about Him. Love should always be increasing. There is always more to know about someone. As people, we are ever changing and growing as we live life, go through experiences, receive knowledge or understanding or revelation. If two people are always changing, there is always something new to learn about them, to fall in love with to increase the love you have, adding to it, building its flame. With God, who is unchangeable, but so large and beyond our ability to fully know Him, our love can only increase as we begin to develop and nurture our relationship with Him, KNOWING Him more and more and falling so deeply in love with Him that our lives can be nothing other than proof of our love for Him. If we truly Loved God we could not and would not be able to live a life full of the same old sin...when you love someone it compels you to be a better person. Your love for them drives you to please them and make them happy and give to them and spend time with them and give all of yourself to them. That is what Love is about!!! Love itself is not pain...pain is possible when you have become vulnerable and exposed yourself to someone and they hurt you. God does not hurt His people...He sent Jesus to die, His own Son, to die for all of us that we would have an opportunity to love Him and spend eternity with Him. 

Don't say you Love God or you Love Jesus and you are still living in your filthy sinful ways. That is the love in this world (selfish), not the Love of God. The Love in this world has been perverted and twisted because it is driven only by emotion and all the good, bad, and ugly that comes with it. People hurt people, and we live our lives with walls to guard ourselves and protect ourselves from being completely crushed. If we walked around with our insides on our outsides, how long before we would die? Well the crazy thing is that God desires for us to walk around like that. If we "give ourselves away" to Him than we are saying that we trust HIM to guard and protect us because He can do a much better job at it than we do ourselves. When we trust people on our own we get hurt. When we trust God...we feel His love, our perception is changed, our lives are transformed, we are "new creatures" in Him. (2Corinthians 5:17  "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.") He as our "guard", as our protection, as our shield (Psalms 33:20  "Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our shield.")...is the Great I AM (Exodus 3:14  "And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.")...He is our everything....EVERYTHING!!!! When we learn to trust Him completely and expose ourselves, becoming completely vulnerable, without walls, then we have Truly experienced LOVE wrapped in HIS presence.

Mat 22:37  Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

Prayer:

Father, I pray that You would continue to help me trust in You more, to allow myself to be completely exposed, to become vulnerable with You, that I might experience the fullness of Your Love and fall more In Love with You. Thank You for loving me and being so many things to me. Thank You for comforting me, opening my eyes, giving me revelation, stirring up my spirit, moving me forward into my purpose, giving me a chance to "get it right", loving despite my failed love with You. You have seen me before I have seen myself. You love me!!! Thank You Abba! Thank YOU! I LOVE YOU!!!!

HIM.....

This has most definitely been a very busy last few days. All in all though it's been great. Tonight during Prayer at church God manifested His presence so strong and the spirit of intercession was birthing heavily within me. I felt such a HUGE release of His Power, God's Power and Glory fill me up and set me free from myself. I often and easily absorb the emotions I am discerning be it at home or church or anywhere. Between that and my own stuff it can get pretty overwhelming. I begin battling thoughts as the waves rise higher and get stronger. My goal is to remain focused on Jesus but it can seem almost impossible when facing such chaos. I push and kick and fight and don't give up even if the waves are crashing against me, trying to overtake me. I WILL NOT BE TAKEN DOWN!!! I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN!!! I WILL NOT BE MOVED!!! (Ps. 10:6; 16:8; 46:5; 62:2,6)

A poem I wrote just now as we were driving home from church...

"Lord I'm so in love with You,
Captured and captivated by You
Draw me closer still
I worship You, live for You
Humbly I seek You
Fall for You, call for You
All I want is You
All I am is in You
Meet me where I am
Pressing forward again
Always open, always there
My Lord, My King, My Heart, My Life, My Air
Ever reaching, ever growing
Walk by faith, walk in the KNOWING
All surrendered, all poured out
Everything, My Everything
My Abba, The Great I AM!
I'm so in Love with YOU!!!

I will write some more later...kinda tired, too tired to be deep and think so much...haha! Love ya all! Talk to ya later,
Christina Carroll :)

Random-deep-random-deep...ME!

Day 5 of the Activia Challenge...hahahaha! Just kidding, just kidding! That popped into my mind while I was trying to remember how many days it had been since I challenged myself to blog everyday. I actually could never eat Activia...lactose intolerance...would bloat like a dang puffer fish and the spikes would penetrate my insides...dying....ahhh!

Well, let's see here...
Today is Thursday.
Tomorrow is Friday.
Um...the sky changes colors from day to night...(reaching) hehe!

Ok...feeling a bit giddy and procrastinative(I make up words). I have stuff to get done, and I will, but I figured I would and should take the time to blog now or I will end up missing my opportunity and having to continue an every other day pattern. So, here am I!

I was thinking just now about my candles, candle making to be specific. I haven't made any in a very long time...Jerry hasn't gone to get me wax, I haven't kept asking...soon. If I make some candles though would anyone want to buy any??? I am in a "CREATIVE" mood and I would also like to paint something. Writing is a great outpouring outlet, but so is painting, and candle making, and cooking something new, or baking. Although now that we are living in an apartment, I do not have a "candle making" designated area. Hmmm...what to do? Maybe I can do it at the church one day...however, it just takes so long and can be messy and I wouldn't want to leave anything sprawled out...hmmm....I shall ponder this more.
***(By The Way: if anyone wants any candles please let me know...if I take some orders I will make up some batches of creative love happen...hahaha!)***

Um...um....ummmmm....

Well I guess this is my "random" blog today...whatever pops into my head I shall type kind of blog.

I feel somehow, unfinished, but I cannot think of what else to talk about. Maybe it's because I need to start working on my work...ok ok fine self, I will get busy! :)

Oh and just so you know...you who have asked me "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ALL DAY NOW THAT YOU'RE HOME ALONE?" I actually work...I just haven't been able to do as much having to be the one to stay home and be with the kiddos, homework, house stuff, all that good stuff...I mean I still do that, but I work at the church. For one thing...I am a Youth Pastor, just haven't been brought on to any full-time paid staff yet, No One has yet...it's coming though for all of us...I don't do what I do for the money though. Without the money I'd still work, be Youth Pastor, Worship Leader, Writer/Journalist, Armour Bearer to Pastors Joseph and Bridgette. I do it because it is what God has called me to do. I know HE will provide for me and when the money comes it will be such a blessing to take care of the life part...regardless though God aways provides and my bills are paid and I'm pretty comfortable. I may not be able to jump up ad fly to Europe or New York like I would love to do, but hey, I get Starbucks when I want, eat out when I want, go to a movie, enjoy my family...it's the simple things in life...Sometimes I gotta decline on things and put money into other areas and sometimes I can splurge and buy some new clothes...Jerry takes care of me pretty well...and anything extra...well WOO to the La Dee Da HOO!!! LOL!

Ok that's all for now folks...randomness, deepness, all of me - ness...

Loves & Hugs,
Christina

I'm not, I am, I will, I won't....

I keep trying to post everyday but every other day seems to be all I can squeeze out...Hahaha! I end up with an unfinished draft sitting and waiting to be completed because I honestly did start it but something stopped me. Leads me into a great question...
What thing or things in life do you allow to stop you in the process? What I mean is when you are set on track to walk forward (generally speaking) what stops you in your tracks? These occasional "stops" are really detours to your path, they are blockages that mean to distract you and keep you from completion. When you call it what it is some sense of seriousness hits, a big revelation or eye opener if you will. What things in your life are "completion stoppers"?
I know for myself, I start things all the time, but rarely do I finish all those things. Now some things are not meant to be completed, but only serve the purpose of bringing inspiration to expand upon. These are stepping stones to completion of something as a whole. However, if we look deeper into our lives how many times can we honestly see where there are uncompleted things, unfinished projects, things we have laid or set aside to come back to, never having come back to them? We presume to think we have all the time in the world when reality is we don't really "HAVE" the next moment. We cannot foretell the events moment to moment let alone foresee the actual outcome of the later in life. We must live in the NOW and walk in the KNOW while we do it.
I have some what of a paradox complex for you though...we must live in the NOW but KNOW that the things of this world are only temporal. Eternity awaits us after this life...Heaven or Hell, based on who you choose to serve and follow. You may choose no one but in reality any choice other than Christ is against Christ and all that is against Christ is of this world which Satan rules....so looks like it boils down to only the 2 choices...Lol! We must be eternity minded while we live in the NOW...an interesting concept that we do not do naturally but have to make a conscious effort to continually and daily walk in...probably a good example of "walking after the spirit" as the bible calls us to.

(Galatians 5:17 "For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would." This is the war that we all face every day. It can be accurately described as a tug of war. The soul is in the middle. The flesh is pulling on one side, and the spirit on the other. The strongest will win.)




The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that. The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us. Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them--living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored. But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells--even though you still experience all the limitations of sin--you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he'll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's! So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us--an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him! That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun. So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us--who was raised to life for us!--is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. 

I really love this message from Paul in Romans 8. This is The Message version. It's so stirring. I hope you are stirred as you read it. God's word is truly amazing!!!



I will end here and leave you with a little bit about me...

SO here it is folks....ya wanna know??? Hahaha!

1. I'm a multidimensional melancholy so please don't try to figure me out...I know which moment I'm in so we're good!

2. I'm a "Worshiper" NOT a singer! Don't put me in a box! I do what I do because it's how I pour out my heart to God and lead people into His presence, and speak through my actions my belief's in who He is and my love for Him. I'm not afraid to raise my hands in the middle of the street, the mall, the store, wherever and declare my love for God. I will shout it out, sing it loud, and try to use all the opportunities I can to GLORIFY HIS NAME!!!

3. I am a "Work-In-Progress" ever changing, ever growing, ever maturing in who God has called me to be, pushing forward, moving ahead, going for the Gold, and living for Him!

Woohoo...later guys and gals! :)

Jae and her first day...

So my baby has officially become a Big Girl! Kindergarten DAY 1 has begun and she was as ready as ever. We had a bit of a glitch this morning and were a tad late. The bell had rung and the kids were standing in their lines when we got there. It kind of killed my more lengthy "first day" experience but it didn't phase Jaeana. She wasn't even thinking about me. They surprisingly let us walk them to the classroom, which is something they typically do not do. She walked right in and didn't look back. I watched helpless waiting for a glance my way so I could wave, but sadly there was none. She took a moment to find her seat and took off her backpack, sat in her chair and put her name tag on. Then she so "big girl like" sat waiting for the next instructions still not looking my way as the group of eager "first day" parents huddled outside the classroom door. Wow! We were all here...our kiddos in Kindergarten, probably everyone thinking the same thing: "Where did the time go..., I remember when..., you know typical thoughts for us parents (mostly the moms Lol!) However, Jerry has his own typical parent feelings (Jerry style of course) for Cedric, since he is growing into a man, going into Middle School/Jr. High. He made him business cards and he has a cool man wallet, you know all the things every 6th grader needs, and a Facebook page too. Wow! :) LOL! Ah the life of us old folks as Dads and Moms with growing up kids. We have some Freedom that we have been waiting 11 years to experience. I never thought the day would come so fast but I am definitely excited for what this adventurous journey will bring. More pics to come soon! :) Have a lovely day everyone!

****FREEDOM!!!****
:) Lol! Hubby and Wife time! We are old and married, with all 3 kids in school..what to do, what to do?!?! :)

Wonderful Weekend...

***Disclaimer***
So I totally don't count yesterday as a "failure to post"...I was waiting to put pictures on my computer and then by the time I could it was already past 12am meaning the next day...Haha!


Okie dokie smokie...
So this has been a grand weekend! Let's start with Friday.
FABULOUS FRIDAY NEWS:
We got a vehicle...oh yeah! We got a truck, even better! I am so blessed and so thankful! God really is MORE THAN ENOUGH for me! His provision will ALWAYS be seen and so it has. It's beyond what we expected and we all just LOVE it! Friday Night YOUTH was Woooo to the Hoooo!

Alright, SATURDAY'S SPECIALS:
On Saturday we celebrated my sister's 24th birthday...awww...she is so old now!!! :) Ha ha! My Carroll Clan (Jerry, Me, Cedg, Cam, and Jae), my Mom, Jess, and Rach Eggburrizzeeyo went to the Desert Botanical Garden's for their Summer Flash Light Tour. It was something different we decided to try. We all had a blast and became Desert Detectives. Cool right? LOL! It was great! We braved and encountered new creatures in the dark with our flashlights...kind of like Discovery Channel LIVE! :) Then afterwards we tried to find a place to picnic. It was about 9pm at this point and we were all pretty starved...desert detecting can do that to ya! It started to sprinkle but hey we are adventurous. So after driving around to different CLOSED parks, we tried our luck at Tempe Town Lake. It was still sprinkling off and on as we unloaded our picnic stuff but again..being adventurous and spontaneous. So we walk around and the Lord provides "covering" for us. A Ramada with tables, covered. But of course the rain decides it actually wants to be rain and not fake rain...although it's covered there are still small holes so its getting a little wet but not bad. The rain was off and on and then just ON. We had so much fun though. We made and ate sandwiches, had different crackers with hummus or cheese, grapes, apples, Capri suns, sparkling strawberry cider, and cupcakes (you know birthday and all). Great spread! Besides all the giggles and chats the night completed with a smash in the face cake experience (from Rach to Jess) with a hand in washing it off with ice to the face (from Jerry to Jess)...oh we could have all peed our pants laughing so hard. Great times! Best fun ever!!!! The rain stopped enough for us to make our way back to the truck as we sang loudly "I do believe in fairies, I do, I do"...ha ha ha! (great line from recent Peter Pan movie, kind of an inside laugh/joke)

And finally SPLENDID SUNDAY:
Today was great too! Worship was awesome! Valentino's Birthday Party was very nice. Prayer was intense and on fire! I am in a great place. Feel so loved by God! I am beyond thankful for this most wonderful weekend.

I'm back with a....

I have been trying to blog and I think I have had writers block and then just being busy...I can never write anything without purpose. Even my random rants have purpose. If anyone out there has enjoyed reading my blogs, sorry for being behind. I think I shall challenge myself to write something daily. (although I try to do this in my journal and I can't blog all of my journal thoughts - definitely a certain place for everything!)

There has been much brewing inside me waiting to bust out and believe it or not I had like 4 draft blogs unfinished that I just had to clean through because my thoughts and emotions have moved on to the next wave. Life has been pretty crazy as we are getting ready for school to start. We have been without a car all of July and this first week of August which has caused much creativity and lots of help from lots of people. I am so thankful that God placed such amazing people in our lives that have been such a blessing to us. We are learning to just go with the flow of whatever the current is because, well let's face it, we can't control the waters. BUT, we can control how we swim in them. I will not go down!!! If God says swim in the same direction as the current, we swim! If God says turn here and go against the current, we swim! No matter which direction God tells us to go, we still have to swim! So instead of getting all flustered why not just...SWIM!!! LOL! Seems simple enough but the doing part can be a challenge. But hey on the bright side, God only puts on us what we can handle...regardless of what I think of myself, God sure thinks much more highly of me, seeing more in me than I see in me, and pushing me to use more of what's in me. It comes from seeking Him, relying on Him in NEW ways (much of the time), and making the choice to never give up!

Honestly, I have been struggling a bit, because some of the waters took good portions of my strength causing me to use muscles I hadn't used before. I am here though! Still swimming, still standing, still pushing! I don't care, I can't care, what my circumstances look like. If I am not where you think I should be in life...TOO BAD! I am where I am supposed to be, even if that means car-less and in an apartment. God is showing me things that are helping me and preparing me for what He has next for me. I can't let pride get in my way. I can't let doubt get in my way! I must just be the best I can be through and in Him while on THIS journey. I know God has MORE for me and I know He loves me and He DOES take care of me. When I learn all i need to learn from this level of life then I can move on to the next level. I will open my eyes and see God. If I gotta learn stuff the hard way because of the stubbornness of my flesh, so be it! I will press on no matter what! I will "Get It" so I can Get on with it! LOL!

Ah, feels good to declare with boldness and authority things in my life..pumping myself up here.

So, here I am....all  kids about to be in school. Facing the challenges of this new journey with the strength, joy, and peace of God wrapped in His grace, mercy, and love. I CAN, WE CAN, DO THIS!!! YES!!! :)