Actually let me back track to my night before. I had the privilege of having a REUNION HANG...My sister's friends (like family) Michelle and Rachel, both of who have been out of town the past couple to a few years, were all in town at the same time. So Me, my Mom, my Sis, Rach, and Michelle went to have dinner at Pita Jungle and catch up. I must say I so enjoyed myself! It was like "old times" but so much better. We laughed, we laughed some more, we tasted some kind of Asian Hot Sauce stuff, we laughed more, we had a Bike Adventure (which was totally random and unforgettable - my sis was riding her bike from a class to down the street at the restaurant. We tried to fit it in the trunk on the way home but it wouldn't fit so we followed her. She lives near campus which is near Pita Jungle. Then randomly we decided to take turns riding down the streets of downtown Tempe...hehe...weird...maybe! So Rachel gets on first or second I guess and she is off...I mean she was fast. Then it was my turn...ok I had to do the whole pull up the pants so my crack wouldn't show while riding thing...ha! I'm off trying to be all super fast like Rach but knowing I'm so out of shape...I am going super fast when I get to the end of the sidewalk crossing a driveway and on to the next...well the dang sidewalk was badly bowed upward and I started to panic thinking I can't just fly off this curb I will fall. I instinctively grabbed for the brakes on the handle bars only to remember the brakes were when you back peddle...I was yelling and freaking out somewhat embarrassed hoping no one was watching or hearing me. The breaks felt like they weren't working so I put my feet down and all they did was slide along the street doing absolutely nothing! I just knew I was gonna hit that thing and fly into the street but I slowed down enough and got over it. Then I am peddling fast trying to catch back up and be fast again when I hear something fall. I look back and I'm like dang it I dropped her lock. I looked at the bike and the lock was there so I thought it must have been another piece to it. URGGGH! I so didn't want to stop and turn around but if it was important I had to. When I got over there it was a piece of old nasty sandwich or something stuck to the sidewalk...BOOOOOOOO! So at this point I'm riding this bike on the streets of downtown Tempe alone...well I felt like that! They were up the way pulled into the parking lot just in front of the apartments my sis lives in waiting for me. Then it was Michelle's turn and then my Mom hopped out of the car AS THE DRIVER and rode fast through the apartments to Jessica's door. Wow! Good times. There were other laughing fun moments too! I came home and watched some of the 30 Rock DVDs with Jerry and then C---AAA---RASSSSSHED! I was pooped! It was my 12:30am bedtime though so it was good.)
So back to my original story of today...
I woke up at 5:00am this morning and I was debating staying awake or falling back asleep for another hour-ish. I chose the latter and got up, got Cam and Jae ready and drove them to school. We left earlier than we had been leaving so we could get a decent parking spot as well as let Jae get comfortable with the whole "play on the playground then find your line when the bell rings morning routine". Can we say: EMOTIONAL DAY!!!! Geesh! We get to her line to put her backpack in place and she looked at me like I was crazy for even asking her to do such a thing. After she saw someone else in her class do it she was ok and off we went to play on the swings. All the swings were taken so I got her to show me her slide-work...she wanted to do the monkey bars first. I stood and watched. Under the monkey bars was a high ledge and for some reason she was having a hard time getting up and kept slipping...she looked over at me like "how is this happening and why wasn't I over there helping". The mommy in me wanted to go over and help her so as to keep her from a potential scrape...but I stayed my station...feet planted firm! She finally got over it after the 3rd try and proceeded on to the monkey bars. After realizing the ground was too far away she changed her mind. She was about to go down the slide when she saw a swing open and went running for it. She would swing forever if we let her. Haha! Camron strolled over from what seemed out of nowhere and so brotherly and gently tried to help solve her problems. I had been lecturing him about stepping up to the big brother role as Cedric had done for him before. I mean really how could I ask this of him when he was trying to work out his 2nd grade manliness...lol! But there he was, all on his own coming to her rescue. She was mad and a bit shut down so he didn't get very far with her. He looked around for me to see if I had left her there, all the while I was slowly stepping back closer towards the edge of the playground out of the sand, really wanting her to figure this out without me. The mommy in me was conflicted between wanting to make it all better and pushing her to grow up. Ahhh why was this happening! Camron stuck around with her talking to the other "younger and smaller" kids around him. He made a couple attempts at open swings and finally he saw someone jump off a swing and he ran full speed to save it for his sister. She was so pleased and hopped right on He gave her a little head start push and swinging away she went. As she was just getting higher, with Big Smiles, the bell rang. Kids went running to their lines while she looked at everyone, but she was too excited about the swinging height she was making after waiting so long. I was motioning for her to get off and come, but she thought I meant swing higher. I yelled out her name to get in line and she was crushed. She had waited her whole life for this swing and was just at the good part...why!!!!! Lol! One of the teachers was calling to all of the kids that were trying to squeeze last seconds out of the playground. She was devastated and barely would walk to the line to get her backpack. I had to push her forward several times to keep moving. Once she got her backpack on and was in line I mentioned how cool it was that she was in the front (4people behind) and not the back. I was trying to cheer her up and get her mind off the swings. This is when the MELTDOWN began. She said she wasn't in the front the other kid was and started crying, big droplets of tears falling down her cheeks....WHAAAAAAAAT? Where did that come from. I tried to talk with her and keep her from balling her eyes out, but no such luck. I stepped out of line and let her stand there figuring out what to do....I was feeling heart broken and irritated that this was occurring. Was she not ready for Kindergarten? I mean other kids do the emotional thing also, but not my Jae, she has been so excited about school. I had to let her go...I tired giving her a kiss and she was just shut down...dragging behind she walked in line following her teacher to the class, tears still quietly rolling down her cheeks.
Man what a morning! I knew in my heart she would be fine and I had to be strong and stand my ground and not baby her. She was totally fine!!!! Had a great day!
I on the other hand came home and shared my eventful morning with Jerry and then I laid in bed willing myself to get up and get ready...Cedg doesn't leave until about a half hour or so after I get home from dropping off Cam and Jae. I was barking off the rest of his "to do" orders before he went on his way and then he was out! Jerry went to get ready and I.....haha....fell asleep, totally by accident of course! He left to work and I stayed home....my first time home alone since the kids started school. Weird! I got such great rest and I guess my body needed it...but when I did get up I was all alone...and feeling emotional myself! Booo! The last half of the day took FOREVER ...it was awful! I told Jerry I would much rather be sleepy and be with him all day then sleep at home....
FUNNY THING: I actually had other thoughts in mind which went with the title of this blog, so if you haven't become bored with my stories yet...here is the story behind "IT'S GETTING PERSONAL"...
This is very personal but I think someone needs to hear it or read it.
Have you ever felt vulnerable? I would think it's a Yes for everyone to feel vulnerable in some way at some point in time. What about those of you who are married? Have you ever felt vulnerable with your spouse? I'm not just talking about when you first marry, but at any length of time, even after 5, 10, 15 years. Have there been times where you have felt vulnerable during times of intimacy, like cuddling, talking, or even sex? I know this is very personal...aren't you glad it's me writing and not you answering? Hahaha! Well what about while changing your clothes...have you ever thought about your body in a negative way and although your spouse has seen you naked a bajillion times you feel awkward like you are ashamed of your body. You know, feeling self-conscious that you don't meet your own expectations and so you don't meet theirs either? This is just one example of vulnerability.
I ask because when we are like that, to protect ourselves, we instinctively and naturally put up a WALL...an 'emotional wall' if you will. A wall that guards you from getting hurt or feeling as uncomfortable. Has that wall ever been in the way? If a wall is up, if your guard is up, how can you let someone come in? You are keeping them from a part of you. It's not our intention as married people to "keep ourselves" from our spouse, that is why we got married. We entered into that relationship to "give ourselves away" to that person for ever. Our LOVE for them was so great and our Love compelled us to be theirs and them ours. Well how can we TRULY "give ourselves" all the way away of we have up walls guarding some parts?
Our horizontal relationships are an indication of our vertical one...with God. So naturally, well natural for me, I looked at the comparison here. Was I putting up walls with my Abba Daddy and not letting Him in all areas, not giving absolutely ALL of myself to Him. What parts was I keeping from Him and why? Why would I keep something from the one I love? That question goes both ways, with both relationships I mean. Why was I afraid to be completely 100% vulnerable with the one I love? Why did I feel I needed to "guard" myself from the one I trusted most of all in life, the one I cared for most of all, the one who I would give my life for and would and did give their life for me? That bothered me greatly and I began to talk to my Father in heaven and ask Him to help me not be like this. My desire is for Him, my desire is to Love Him more and more as I get to know more about Him. Love should always be increasing. There is always more to know about someone. As people, we are ever changing and growing as we live life, go through experiences, receive knowledge or understanding or revelation. If two people are always changing, there is always something new to learn about them, to fall in love with to increase the love you have, adding to it, building its flame. With God, who is unchangeable, but so large and beyond our ability to fully know Him, our love can only increase as we begin to develop and nurture our relationship with Him, KNOWING Him more and more and falling so deeply in love with Him that our lives can be nothing other than proof of our love for Him. If we truly Loved God we could not and would not be able to live a life full of the same old sin...when you love someone it compels you to be a better person. Your love for them drives you to please them and make them happy and give to them and spend time with them and give all of yourself to them. That is what Love is about!!! Love itself is not pain...pain is possible when you have become vulnerable and exposed yourself to someone and they hurt you. God does not hurt His people...He sent Jesus to die, His own Son, to die for all of us that we would have an opportunity to love Him and spend eternity with Him.
Don't say you Love God or you Love Jesus and you are still living in your filthy sinful ways. That is the love in this world (selfish), not the Love of God. The Love in this world has been perverted and twisted because it is driven only by emotion and all the good, bad, and ugly that comes with it. People hurt people, and we live our lives with walls to guard ourselves and protect ourselves from being completely crushed. If we walked around with our insides on our outsides, how long before we would die? Well the crazy thing is that God desires for us to walk around like that. If we "give ourselves away" to Him than we are saying that we trust HIM to guard and protect us because He can do a much better job at it than we do ourselves. When we trust people on our own we get hurt. When we trust God...we feel His love, our perception is changed, our lives are transformed, we are "new creatures" in Him. (2Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.") He as our "guard", as our protection, as our shield (Psalms 33:20 "Our soul waiteth for the LORD: he is our help and our shield.")...is the Great I AM (Exodus 3:14 "And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.")...He is our everything....EVERYTHING!!!! When we learn to trust Him completely and expose ourselves, becoming completely vulnerable, without walls, then we have Truly experienced LOVE wrapped in HIS presence.
Mat 22:37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
Prayer:
Father, I pray that You would continue to help me trust in You more, to allow myself to be completely exposed, to become vulnerable with You, that I might experience the fullness of Your Love and fall more In Love with You. Thank You for loving me and being so many things to me. Thank You for comforting me, opening my eyes, giving me revelation, stirring up my spirit, moving me forward into my purpose, giving me a chance to "get it right", loving despite my failed love with You. You have seen me before I have seen myself. You love me!!! Thank You Abba! Thank YOU! I LOVE YOU!!!!
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